JellO Poodles
by Galadhrim
Summary: A somewhat twisted and offbeat comedy that pits SG1 against the likes of tiny aliens, glowing poodles, and well, we won't tell you where the JellO comes in...includes Pete whump, Daniel worship, and mild SJ ship
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own SG-1 I would not like to own SG-1. The poodles are not mine, the Tok'Ra are not mine, the Jell-O is mine, therefore i am content.

Warning! This story may be dangerous to your mental health, and should only be read under supervision of a qualified phrenologist or under the influence of a very bizarre sense of humor.

* * *

JELL-O POODLES

or

WHAT TO DO ATOP OF GREEN JELL-O WITH MAYBOURNE BITING YOUR HEELS

Prologue: SG-1 is in jail for a somewhat misunderstood misdemeanor. Daniel is working on a hangover, and -just for fun- Maybourne shows up.

"Teal'c is that Maybourne?" Jack asked.

"It is" Teal'c replied solemnly. At this moment a beam of light strikes Maybourne and turns him in to a poodle glowing in the dark

"Rruff ruff" says Maybourne

"Thor will beam us down" screamed little voices.

Jack sits up "ok what was that?"

"Uummm I don't know sir" says Sam

"It sounded like tiny screeching voices" replied Teal'c matter-of-factly.

The voices screamed louder "Thor!"

This time even rousing the inebriated Daniel "Owww" he moaned

The tiny little glowing aliens appeared and rushed over to him. "Will you take us to him?" they screeched.

"Owww" said Daniel.

Rruff" said Maybourne

"Take you to Thor?" said Jack

"Sir" said Sam.

"What?"

"These could be the tiny alien people we heard of on P3X-989" Sam exclaimed wide eyed.

"Whaa" said Daniel.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow "The ones possessing the ability to change humans in to glowing poodles?"

"Yes sir. This could be a completely revolutionary way at looking at human anatomy" her eyes growing wider.

Jack looked at Maybourne who said

"Ruff"

"I'm beginning to like them."

The tiny voices started again "Take us to him Daniel take us to him!"

"Whaa you know me?"

"We saw you in a dream. You will save are world!"

"Okay how?"

"You will take us to "Thor!" They screeched

"I can't do that I have a head ache"

"Then we will take you to him!"


	2. Chapter 2

Many of you may notice that I have taken the liberty of quoting from The Tragedy of Macbeth.

I would like to thank William Shakespeare and the Weird Sisters for thier kind assistance in the production of this story.

* * *

SG-1 and Co. disappear in a in a beam of pink light and reappear floating on green Jell-O.

"What the hell!" Jack screamed.

"This is indeed not pleasant" said Teal'c.

"That is odd" says one of the little aliens "We where sure this is where Thor would be"

The first little alien turns to second and turns him into a glowing poodle. He and Maybourne start eating the green Jell-O

"Hey this is pretty good" said a muffled voice.

"Sir" said Sam in a clearly worried voice.

"Jack?" said Daniel.

"What is it now Daniel?"

"You're eating the Jell-O"

"I know that Daniel"

The little alien spoke up "Did we forget to mention that the phase change technology has been known to have odd effects on some human's minds?"

"Who are you?" Sam was getting worried.

"We are the tiny people of durgreivifgfstdnfuigngugkjy"

"Oh okay" said Jack

"You would know it as Mars"

"What!" Sam looked up "there are no people on mars, we would know!"

"Yes and the pyramids where made by humans" screech the tiny voices sarcastically.

"I knew there were tiny people on mars" Jack smiled gleefully

"I'm sorry sir but know you didn't"

"Ooooh yes I did, I saw then in my telescope, you know"

"I knew the pyramids were built by aliens" Danny put in.

"Daniel? Have you been eating the green jell-O?" Sam looked more worried

"Of course not!" Daniel looked mortified.

Teal'c suddenly stood up "Are those tiny voices I hear in my head?"

"Owwww!"

Sam turned around to see a furious Jack yelling at a glowing poodle.

"Maybourne stop it! You're going to chew a hole in my boot"

"It was your fault John" said a talking poodle

"I was just eating the Jell-o. And it's Jack you idiot!"

"We know what you were thinking" said one of the voices.

Sam looked up "What do you mean?"

"Our phase changer can have telepathic effects on susceptible humans we can now read Jonathans mind"

Sam heard a blood curdling howl.

"Daniel did you kick Maybourne?"

"Nooo!"

"Nice one" said Jack snickering "This is like really good jell-o"

"Indeed" replied Teal'c.

Suddenly light flashes, poodles glow "The great pink beam sends us away!" screech voices.

"Thank heavens" says Sam

"Ruuffff" says Maybourne.

Double, double, toil and trouble, where oh where can mighty Thor be?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: There are a number of references to obscure trivia in this story such as the yellow tofu, whichwas used for Asgard food in "Small Victories"

* * *

CHANGE SCENE

"I told you I don't know!" Daniel screamed.

"But you must you will save our planet" stated the little people to Daniel.

"Hey! Where is this?" asked Teal'c.

"Where's my Jell-O!" demanded Jack.

"What have you done to the colonel's mind?" asked Sam getting more worried by the minute.

"Nothing" replied the little voices "we can read it now, and he may have permanent brain damage, but that is all"

"Oh, well, that's ok then." said Daniel

"DANIEL!" Sam shouted in disbelief.

"What?"

A little alien walks up to Sam "We would like to say on behalf of Jack O'Neill that you REALLY should go fishing with him some time, and that he likes it better on the green jell-o planet"

They hear Jack scream "Where's my jell-o!"

Another tiny alien comes up to them. "Seeing as you will be with us for some time looking for Thor perhaps you would like some sustenance"

"I want jell-o!" Jack was getting desperate.

"Coffee" Daniel said.

The little alien looked concerned. "There are some much more nutritious options"

"Just coffee"

The little alien looked more concerned

"Double short Americano?" Daniel asked pleading.

"You should know that much caffeine can but dangerous, And you must save our world!"

"Nooo, just coffee! And I told you I can't save your planet!"

The tiny alien was not dismayed "Oh yes you will. Look Thor comes this way now."

They all look to see a glowing poodle run up and scamper around Daniels feet.

"What! This isn't Thor." said Sam.

"Oh yes I'm happy now." said Jack as a tiny alien served him green jell-o.

"As am I." said Teal'c his own jell-o in hand.

"So Thor's a glowing poodle is he?" Jack was not very surprised.

"If you listen closely there is a slight difference in pronunciation." said Daniel.

"Hey, they talk funny." said Jack trying to discredit Daniel's new discovery.

"No" Daniel insisted. "I think this is important. In Greek mythology there was a woman who could turn men into swine, maybe they just want to turn everyone into glowing poodles."

"Doesn't sound so bad to me." said Jack.

Sam gets fed up, pulls out her gun, and points it at the tiny alien.

"Okay put him back the way he was" she demanded.

The Tiny alien looks up "You care about him deeply don't you? Samantha."

"Shut up and put us back!"

Tiny alien smiles knowingly "Tell me about it, I won't judge you, you really shouldn't hold back your feelings"

"Yeah, Sam you really shouldn't do that." Jack agreed.

"WHERE'S MY COFFEE!" said Daniel.

"My feelings are fine thank you. Now, do you want me to shoot you, or will you put us back?" said Sam.

"In jail?" asked the little alien.

"No, on base" said Sam.

"You know maybe the little alien has a point." said Daniel.

"What?" Sam looked worried, she didn't want Danny to go too.

"Are you guys really Martians?" Jack looked excited.

"Yes we are" said the aliens proudly.

"Maybe you shouldn't hold back your emotions so much" Daniel continued.

"Ruufff" said Maybourne

"More jell-o" demanded Teal'c.

"Me too" put in Jack.

"I wonder what's so good about that jell-o" Daniel thought out loud.

"Don't go near it Daniel" Sam said

"Yeah just say no Danny" Jack laughed so hard he snorted.

"But it isn't the jell-o that screws up your head" said Daniel.

"Would you like some decaf coffee?" asked a tiny alien.

"Noooooo! Are you trying to kill me?"

"No we are trying to keep you alive if possible"

Sam looked up "If possible?"

The tiny aliens looked embarrassed "We have recently learned that our phase change technology causes sub molecular degradation on humans." the aliens smiled and shrugged "Sorry."

A tiny alien walks up to Daniel

"Would you like some jell-o?" Sam looks at him sideways.

"Don't worry Sam it's not chocolate chip walnut cookies or any thing."

Tiny aliens rush up to Daniel. "Chocolate chip walnut cookies!"

"Yes?"

The tiny alien is excited and screams "Daniel has saved us!"

All the tiny aliens run around chanting "DANIEL, DANIEL!"

"If Daniel likes cookies we like cookies"

"I don't understand." said Sam

The tiny aliens try to explain "Our entire race was about to be wiped out from low blood sugar. That is why we wanted Thor."

"I hate to break it to you but Thor eats yellow colored tofu." stated Daniel.

"Good, now will you take us back to base?" asked Sam hopefully.

"I like it here." insisted Jack.

"Sam, out of all the places you could go you want to go back to base? Don't you have a personal life at all?" a tiny alien asked soothingly.

Jack starts laughing.

"I DO TOO!" Sam demands.

Tiny aliens start whispering.


	4. Chapter 4

Note: This is the first time that I've ever written for Pete. Can you feel the love?

* * *

ENTER PETE

They see before them a bright pink light and then…Pete.

"Pete!" Sam is very surprised.

"Hey! whaaaaaa I was ahhh." Pete is very confused.

Jack walks over "Hey Pete, want some jell-O?"

"I'm a cop, I was chasing bad guys." says Pete still not quite sure what is going on.

Pete looks at Jack then at Sam "This is your colonel?" says Pete slightly stupefied.

"Yup." said Sam getting uncomfortable.

"Oh." said Pete slightly more stupefied.

Jack gets a funny look on his face. Sam looks concerned.

Jack pokes Pete in the arm, lightning flashes, poodles glow…

Sam screams "_JACK _what you are doing!"… "You turned Pete into poodle!"

Teal'c comes to observe.

"But you've got to admit he's cuter this way." said Jack with an evil grin.

"Well…that's beside the point, you just shouldn't do that." Sam insisted.

Pete starts howling.

"All is better now, you may go back to base." the tiny aliens are finally happy.


	5. Chapter 5

CHANGE SCENE-BASE

HAMMONDS OFFICE

Hammond's office fills with a bright pink light with sg-1 and poodles scampering at foot.

"Sir it's so good to see you." says Sam, happy to be home.

"Hey nice ta see ya George" said Jack savoring the last of his Jell-O.

"Major Carter what are these poodles doing in my office!" asked Hammond, quickly gathering it would be imposable to get anything out of Jack.

Sam began "I'll try and explain. You see when we where in jail tiny aliens came to us and turned Maybourne and Pete in to glowing poodles and…"

Jack interrupts "The ugly one is Pete "

"No I believe the ugly one is Maybourne" says Teal'c

Sam continued "And then they beamed us to a jell-o planet and started feeding O'Neill and Teal'c green jell-o and I think the Colonel may have brain damage because of the Martians."

"Hey!" cried Jack

"I'm just saying sir…" Jack scowled and Sam fell silent as Hammond picked up his phone

"Get me Doctor Fraiser and security in here now"

"We're really not crazy or anything." said Sam sincerely.

"Though that does sound kind of funny." said Daniel.

"Stop that poodle from chewing my telephone chord!" Hammond ordered.

"See isn't that just like Maybourne?" asserted Jack.

"If we only had proof of it all." thought Daniel.

Suddenly they all start to hear tiny voices screaming "we are proof, we are proof"

"What are you doing here?" asked Sam, she so did not want to see them again.

"Have you never heard that when you save someone life you are responsible for them forever, Daniel is responsible for us." the tiny voices answer.

"Oh crap." said Jack


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: the Thor/Heimdel thing is a references to the Daniel/Janet ship. Which carries over toour Asgard friends As Michael Shanks plays the voice of Thor and Teryl Rothery the voice of Heimdel there have been some implications as to the nature of thier relationship.

* * *

Just then down from the ceiling comes a shower of this time, _blue_ light. IT'S THOR!

"Hey buddy" said Teal'c clearly proud of his newly learned lingo.

Thor stomped forward angrily "Why did you not tell me you had found thee glowing poodles of durgreivifstdnfuigngugkjy!" Thor demanded.

"Wow, he's really good at his annunciation." Jack said in wonder.

Hammond tried to explain "I'm sorry Thor but I don't know about any of this, SG-1 just beamed here with those damn poodles and…"

"These damn poodles George are the key to our very existence!" Thor screeched.

George starts to kick his leg to keep Pete from chewing on his shoe, while Jack is trying to pull Maybourne off the important papers producing a horrible screeching noise.

"Wha-what key to your existence?" Daniel asked

Just then Janet walk's in and the starts to look about.

"When we became aware of the danger before us, in a last desperate measure all of the genetic information of the Asgard was stored in these glowing poodles. So it is true to use the ancient euphemism "'Glowing poodles are the Asgards best friend'"

"Ancient euphemism?" Sam asked.

"Yes, they were big on those. It is unfortunate that the only way to retrieve the information involves slicing there brains up and feeding them to our computers for analysis." said Thor.

"Did you say unfortunate?" Jack asked.

"I'll get the sedatives." says Janet and leaves.

"Wait you can't slice all of them up that one's Pete." said Sam.

Pointing to the one Jack has pinned to the desk with his foot. Jack raises an eyebrow.

"Okay maybe that ones Pete." points to the one running in circles around the room.

"Carter this is the fate of the entire Asgard race." says Teal'c solemnly.

The poodles start to whimper. A faint whistling is heard in the back ground.

"But he really didn't do any thing to deserve this." said Sam.

"Yeah, and just think of the moral implications." agreed Daniel.

"What moral implications?" Jack asked.

"Just wait, I'll think of them."

"Waiting…"

The whistling grows louder and you can almost make out words.

"We can try to make do with what we have but if we can't find more poodles we will have to sacrifice your beloved." said Thor.

Daniel cringes, Teal'c looks up.

"Don't call him that!" shouts Sam.

"Is that singing?" Jack asks.

Tiny voices are singing to the tune of 'O Christmas Tree'. "Oh Daniel, Oh Daniel, how…"

Janet returns with assistants, hypodermic needles and a case of sedatives.

"I'll have to ask you all to cooperate! Now!" demands Janet.

Technician: (over the speakers) "Tok'Ra dudes coming in the ring thingy!"

Muffled staff blasts

"What the hell is going on!" yell Hammond, Thor and tiny voices in unison.

Tok'Ra burst into the room pointing guns.

"Why did you not tell us you had found the glowing poodles of durgreivifgfnfuigngugkjy?" asks the lead Tok'Ra.

"What the hell are you talking about?" said Hammond.

Janet says something to one of her assistants who takes off running.

Teal'c starts laughing manically, Jack joins in.

"Wait for it." say Jack and Teal'c together.

"Wow Jaffa dudes through the chap'pai" says Technician over speakers.

Teal'c gives Jack high five.

Just now 7 foot tall assistants start pouring into the room with hypodermic needles

"Okay that's it, get on the floor now!" orders Janet.

Tok'ra turn their guns but are besieged by assistants who promptly inject them with sedative per Janet's command.

Janet turns to Hammond with a big smile "Now general it's your turn."

"Have you completely lost it?" He asks.

"Now Georgie porgy I've wanted to do this for years now, and the time has finally come. I will run the SG-1 from now on and you will like it."(Thunder and Lightning)

"Oops" say the tiny voices.

"Ith's willy not dat pad deneral gammond." says a drugged Tok'Ra.

Jaffa rush in pointing staffs.

"Why did you not tell us you had found the glowing poodles of durgrivifgfstdnfuigngugkjy?" demanded the lead Jaffa.

Pete growls, and Maybourne barks.

"Is that all you can say?" asked Jack.

Janet snaps her fingers at which her highly trained elite assistants promptly inject the Jaffa with enough sedative to kill 20 elephants.

"I never thought it would be you Janet!" Sam cried in dismay.

"Well surprise, surprise I am the mother of all tiny voices." Janet laughed evilly.

They all watch in shock as Thor takes his place at her side.

"Thor buddy whachya doin?'" asks Jack.

"I wasn't that interested in taking over earth at the beginning but your doctor is so persuasive and…well, she reminds me of Hiemdal."

"But do not fear loyal subjects, you will be well supplied with green jell-o." announces Janet.

"I'm content." says Jack.

"Now to the control room!" orders Janet.

Janet and Thor lead a long procession of SG-1 Hammond Tok'ras, Jaffas, assistants and Poodles.

"What did you mean when you said you were the mother of all tiny voices?" inquires Daniel.

"Exactly what I said."

"Then you can get them to stop following me around?"

"I didn't say that."


	7. Chapter 7

IN THE CONTROL ROOM

Gate Technicians scatter as they arrive

"Hey doc Fraiser!" the technician greets her.

"You will now call me 'Great and mighty, noblest most wonderful, beautiful and grand lord doc Fraser.' Is that clear?"

"Could you write that down?"

Janet smacks him in the face, throwing him across the room.

"Those vitamins really working out for you, Huh?" asked Thor.

"Hey! My lip is bleeding!" cries Technician.

The poodles scamper over and attack him.

"You know Thor I think those poodles will be my most loyal slaves." muses Janet.

"Janet you can't do this!" whines Sam.

"If you go along with this I may change the air force rules so you _can_ marry your commanding officer! How's that sound?"

"I'll have to think about that one for a minute."

"TOK'RA JAFFA GEORGE KREE. In order to keep the tiny aliens from destroying my home world we must go to durgreivifsfstdndnfuigngugkjy and consume all of the green jell-o on the planet. Now start dialing!"

Later…

"Thirteenth chevron encoded…how long is this going to take?" technician complains.

"Until there all locked you idiot!" says Janet and threatens to smack him again.

The Gate locks.

"Finally." says Technician.

Whooosh

Grunts start streaming out of the Gate.

"Okay line them up and measure them! How many are there?" says Janet.

"Grunts?" asks technician.

"No feet."

"Thirty I think."

"Thirty grunts?" asks Jack.

"No there are six grunts" says Janet.

"But there are only fifteen feet." says technician.

"What! There should be thirty!" yells Janet.

"Maybe they got smaller." suggests Daniel.

"But they're all five foot tall." insists Sam.

"How can you tell?" asks Jack.

"I can tell." says Sam.

"Wait, line the poodles up with the grunts and then measure them now!" says Janet who has just had a revelation.

"Yay that makes thirty odd feet!" shouts technician.

"That's impossible the poodles aren't even one foot tall!" cries Sam.

"Hey man, you know space, and time, and stuff are all kinda relative." said Teal'c.

"You leave space-time out of this!" Sam yells.

"I think it's your ruler." said Daniel.

"It is NOT the ruler! Now we have all the grunts we need let's go!" Janet yells.

* * *

A/N: There's a joke here about "Thirty Odd Foot Grunts" which is (though he would hate me calling it this) Russell Crowe's band. Before writing this I had just heard about them breaking up, which would make the 15 odd foot of grunts. And I just couldn't resist putting this into my story. I've never heard a single song they sang, but I hear they're terrible.

Beta's Note: Justfor the record I'm the one who told her about the band breaking up. And Galadhrim, being a total math geek, had to use it. And although I've never heard the band either, I reserve _AN OPEN MIND_ (are you listening Galadhrim?) about whether they are, or are not terrible. melpomene-muse of tragedy


End file.
